Babes in the Woods

Just for once we decided, as we were going to Brisbane to visit family anyway, just for once we would stay in one of the smart new hotels springing up along South Bank, recreation heartland of that relaxed and salubrious city. Just for once, we would by-pass our usual Darby and Joan preference and see how the other half lives.

We found our chosen hotel easily enough. Trouble was, there was nowhere to park outside the hotel while we checked in. Puzzled, we drove around the block noticing the entrance to the hotel parking was barricaded with an automatic arm. I dropped my spouse off at the hotel entrance and took a risk. I would wait for him in the car in the car park entrance, engine running in case of being moved on by some uniformed official.

“Uh, oh. Here’s trouble,” I thought spying such a person coming towards me almost immediately.

“Good afternoon, Madam, and welcome. Just get out of your car, take what you want and I shall park your car for you. I shall bring your luggage to your room.”

Nonplussed and doubtful that I would ever see our car again and knowing I couldn’t carry all our belongings in one trip, I left him with our car with all our worldly goods and hurried to meet my better half, now waiting for me at the hotel door. Seeing my worried expression, he explained,

“It’s valet service only here, We can’t have access to the car, but will have to order it whenever we want it. They need 10 minutes’ notice for that. This luxury is an extra $22 per night.”

We looked at each other ruefully, shrugged and traversed the high-ceilinged, almost empty marble floored foyer. Hotel attendants, each with ear piece and microphone, stood passively, barely glancing at us as we passed. On reaching the door to our room, our next challenge was to open it. This required inserting an electronic card and waiting for a small green light to flash before we could push the heavy door open and took us a minute or two to work out. Once inside, we hurried to the balcony at the other end of the room and were relieved that that door opened smoothly, though dismayed at the noise rising from the traffic below.

Back inside, we began to unpack. We discovered then that our room’s stylish elegance depended on extreme simplicity. There was no table at which to eat, only one chair and a vast white bed that dominated the whole. The room was clearly designed for fast moving business travellers, or more interestingly perhaps, for amorous afternoon liaisons rather than for senior citizens on holiday. A small wardrobe was the only accommodation for our clothing and there were even fewer places to put down our bits and pieces. Soon our room resembled a discount store, a roughly organised panoply of personal paraphernalia. I sighed and decided to take a shower. Stripped, soap in hand, I stood beneath the super trendy shower head and tried to work out how to turn the water on and not scald myself or freeze in the process.

Whoosh! I was totally swamped with a blast of cold water with no idea of how it had started or how to turn it off. Now somewhat dampened in spirit as well as in fact, I fiddled with the small rotating lever and finally showered successfully. Once dried and dressed, I had even managed to put some make up on, though that had been daunting. The subtle overhead lighting, though it did wonders in highlighting the state of the art slickness of the room, was of little help to me as I applied make up. I laughed as images of broomsticks and black cats came to mind, such was the ghoulish effect of shadows on my face.

It was time for a meal. But a glance at the hotel menu and prices caused us once again to look at each other in knowing silence and decide we needed a walk in the fresh air. And after all, a sidewalk café would be so much more like us!

Oh, well, we’ll try anything once. And by the end of our stay, we were no longer innocents lost in a world of space age design and electronic wonders. But just between you and me, next time we shall choose once more the cosy welcome of more familiar lodgings. There, among the smiling welcomes, quiet surroundings and even biscuits with the coffee packs, we shall feel at home.