A Question of Balance

Two delicate and perfectly poised mobiles, one with black pendants, the other with white, drifted slowly above us in gentle arcs as we gazed at them from the floor of an upstairs gallery at the Museum of Contemporary Art where several us from Sydney OWN’s ‘Lost Ladies’ had come to absorb the pleasures of the 2008 Biennale.

The mobiles, suspended in aesthetically pleasing balance, were not disrupted from their graceful patterns even when moved by a faint breath of air. We were not surprised that such apparent simplicity, yet exquisite complexity was the work of an artist who was once an engineer.

My imagination was stirred. For some time now, I have been reflecting on the unexpectedly complex effort of finding inner balance now that I am an older woman. The reality of aging is much more complicated than I had anticipated. It is easy to get priorities out of order. The mobiles, in their complex yet simple perfection of balance provided a lovely symbol of my desired goal. The small, rounded shapes of the mobiles, whether white or black, represented to me both new freedoms from earlier burdens, opportunities for new interests and involvements and more time for favourite activities. They also represented the slowly diminishing energies and capacities, the fragilities and the losses of our later years, mixed with continuing responsibilities and commitments which become gradually more onerous until we must acknowledge we can no longer deal with them. Within this rich yet confusing reality, we long to find an inner balance permitting peace rather than anxiety, fulfilment rather than emptiness.

Life questions we have had all along take on a new significance. How much responsibility for the wider community – including those near and dear - can I take on? How much time and attention do I need to give to myself? These seem to be the basic questions and they have all sorts of ramifications for each woman as she deals with them. Each must make the hard choices for herself.

As a member of the OWN Sydney Working Group, it has been my privilege to read some of your stories sent in response to our invitation to share with us your ideas for the future of OWN. Though they are kaleidoscopic at the surface level as your very different life experiences are described, nevertheless they are drawn together into similar themes below the surface. There is a concern as older women – particularly once children have flown the nest, formal employment is over, and especially when we lose our ‘significant other’ - with working out issues of identity and meaning [who am I now? and what matters now?], of intimacy [how can I feel really close to others – or another?] and of ecstasy [what will bring joy in often difficult circumstances?]

It seems to me that all these questions can be reduced to my earlier two: how much of my life for myself? And how much for others? Our answers must vary according to our own situation, but what I’m finding as I explore this conundrum is a bias towards letting go, relaxing, enjoying life, letting others run things so we can be free to come and go as we will. In other words, we see it as time for ourselves.

Yet strangely, this hesitation to pitch in, to withhold committing ourselves to any cause beyond ourselves on an ongoing basis is exactly what deprives us of the satisfactions of building a new identity, of finding new meaning, of establishing close relationships and of experiencing the mystery of unexpected joy. There is much talk these days of the search for spiritual [emotional/psychological] fulfilment suggesting that many, and perhaps especially older people, feel in themselves an emptiness rather than a sense of being fulfilled or ‘in balance.’ Yet, in committing ourselves to someone or some cause beyond ourselves we find identity and meaning. As we continue on our chosen path, albeit with courage, determination and effort [‘Old age ain’t no place for sissies!’ – Bette Davis] we are very likely to develop rewarding friendships which may even become relationships of love.

And ultimately, one day, to our complete astonishment, but really because we have now established for ourselves new direction and purpose, and a new way of thinking about ourselves along with friends on the same path, we notice how lovely this same old world has become. In the afterglow of time spent working and sharing with beloved comrades in worthwhile pursuits, no matter how tired or dispirited we may have been at the start, our hearts are seized with joy. At least for that moment, we find we are in perfect balance.

8 Aug 2008