A Hard Act to Follow

Growing up in the care of a woman who has been variously described as: amazing; artistic; elegant; talented and even formidable has been both a blessing and a considerable challenge. I propose in the next few minutes to share something of my view of the woman who has been perhaps the most significant influence in shaping the person I was to become. Ros would probably feel similarly. But, Dear Mother, I think it’s safe to say that neither Ros nor I can match the sum total of who you are. You remain, even on your 90th birthday, a hard act to follow.

INDEPENDENCE OF THOUGHT AND ACTION

When reflecting on what I would say, the first characteristic that simply leapt into my mind was your legendary independence of thought and action. Dad used to comment on occasion to Ros and me, somewhat ruefully, about your determination to “go it alone,” wondering out loud why you would not let him do even such a small thing as take your arm to assist you in a chivalrous way when occasion might have warranted that. Perhaps he wished you had greater need of his help. I realise that married women in those days had far less independence in the wider world than women have today, so maybe it was important to you to exercise independence at any opportunity no matter how slight, so you could still feel you were in some way in charge of your own destiny and not totally bound by others. But the limitations on independent action in the outside world back then in no way affected your freedom of independent action within your home and family life. You exercised it with a will in those days, and you exercise it with a will today. In this way, you remind me of Nana in her later years, the only time I really got to know her. She too, had many difficult adjustments to make after Grandpa died, but she remained captain of her own ship as far as she could til the day she died. [And here I must add that I certainly do not discount the care Heather gave her during those days.] I have no doubt that you also will remain captain of your ship til your last moment.

SELF-DISCIPLINE AND DETERMINATION

Next after independence, and related to it come your extraordinary characteristics of self-discipline, determination and commitment. You were, without doubt, the power behind Dad’s throne, keeping our home and domestic life afloat through many years when Dad was almost completely absorbed in his work and studies. Dad’s career success simply would not have happened without your committed support and I was glad to hear him acknowledge that from time to time. You cared for me when I was very ill for many months. You visited me in hospital six days out of every seven even though that meant a long and tedious trip each way. You looked after Dad for 18 months almost single-handedly when he was dying of cancer and only allowed him to go to hospital when you were simply unable to manage him physically any longer.

There must have been many times when you felt like throwing in the towel and walking away. In my adult years, I have come to realise just how demanding that support role must have been and how little immediate and visible reward there was in it for you. I remember when I was around 18 as I came home from work and saw you putting on yet another sumptuous dinner for Dad’s business guests. I watched you as you hurried to and fro, ensuring that all went well. I wondered what could possibly be in all that hard work for you. It looked like slavery to me. So I asked you on the spot. For once you had nothing to say, but could only gaze at me in brief and disconcerted silence. I knew I had caught you off balance and I knew I had my answer. But you never complained about the work, at least not to me.

FINANCIAL COMPETENCE AND COMPETITIVE SPIRIT

Even though Dad, as it were, “brought home the bacon,” and even though he was a banker with a degree in economics, it was you, Mother, who managed the domestic finances. I’m sure Dad was content to leave this important function to you, just as he was happy for you to make most of the major purchasing decisions on just about everything that concerned domestic and personal life for you had and still have a natural grasp of and interest in money matters. Even as recently as a few weeks ago when you and I happened to discuss financial investment issues – a most unusual topic between the two of us – I was astonished to learn of your keen interest in and awareness of such matters at a time in life when others choose to leave that to professionals.

No doubt your skill with financial figures, wheeling and dealing, is related to your skills at the bridge table which also call for a love of competition, something you have in abundance. Though you always declare you play bridge for the social benefit, and I believe this is true, the smile of pleasure as you recount clever moves you have made and competitions you have won point to this deeper truth. What a pity you never had a chance to run a commercial empire where competitiveness and financial prowess are fundamental! You would have given Kerry Packer and Rupert Murdoch a run for their money!

ARTISTRY

Though there are many other characteristics I could describe, I shall bring my list to a close with a few words about your artistic talents. This is the one that stays with me most clearly and enviably – your natural sense of the aesthetic and your talents for expressing that in so many ways. Outside in the garden; inside, arranging flowers and interior decorating. The latter went beyond merely ripping off unwanted picture rails and skirting boards, knocking down walls and sanding floors. It included a technical college course where you learnt planning and perspective, colour selection and painting techniques and went further to include the making of all sorts of soft furnishings such as elaborate curtains and bedspreads, cushions and lampshades. You have expressed artistry also in oil painting and water colours, enjoying that so much that for a time you even taught painting to others.

Sewing beautiful clothing for yourself, for Ros and for me, constantly making school uniforms, and later, ball gowns and even my wedding dress and making them so professionally, knitting endless garments for all of us and making fashionable hats when hats were fashionable were all part of your artistic repertoire of long ago. But in case anyone were to think that was all, let me also refer to your artistry in the kitchen, visible in the regular week-end tea trolley spread with unforgettable cream sponge cakes, caramel bar cakes, pikelets, scones and biscuits, all served elegantly in fine china on embroidered cloths and covered with finely-worked voile throw-overs. The only dampener on your elegant afternoon tea parties was that I was always told to run along and play just when the pretty ritual was getting into full swing!

CONCLUSION

Today, Mother, you have made it to the 90th anniversary of your birth, and you are still going so well that I’m sure you’ll make it to the big one – your centenary celebration! No doubt your strong constitution plays a big part in this, but equally your stoic self-discipline and clear sense of values, not to mention your considerable natural talents have been tremendously significant.

Today we all congratulate you, remember with gratitude all you have done for us in so many ways for so long, and hope that you will keep moving forward with the same clear-sighted determination that has served you so well for the past 90 years. You are indeed a hard act to follow.