Rich Living
Retirement – is it new life or a kind of death? In the years approaching the end of formal working life, even though I found those years increasingly demanding and tiring, thoughts of retirement nevertheless filled me with a private dread. Work had provided identity, purpose, fulfillment, a social network and income. Would retirement provide those rewards adequately?
I had read, reflected on and discussed my coming psychological crisis, but as with other major life passages, had to go through it to discover if there were life after work. Older friends’ experiences and therefore conclusions, had been conflicting. Some spoke of unrelieved loss, grief and even depression. Others offered a more positive outlook but few spoke with lively enthusiasm. Obviously I had to come to my own conclusions.
Came the day when the door of my structured, formal working life closed behind me. Feeling somewhat uncertain and vulnerable, a bit like a small child at a new school with only hope and whatever wisdom I had gleaned from life so far to guide me, I asked myself “What shall I find?” Some two years of exploration and struggle later, my answer is joy.
I have freedom to relax inwardly, to stop feeling responsible to any and every person who wants my assistance and to be selective in how I shall spend my energy and time. As women of my generation were raised to think of their whole purpose in life as that of caring for others, this is not an easy habit to break but it can be done.
While thinking these thoughts I heard, quite fortuitously, a rebroadcast of an interview by ABC personality Caroline Jones when her interviewee was influential American feminist author, Betty Friedan who died on Monday 5th February this year. Friedan’s writings, along with those of Germaine Greer, Adrienne Rich and others of the 1960’s and 1970’s had been very significant in the lives of many women in those years and that included myself. But Friedan had also written another book “The Fountain of Age” and it was this work that was discussed with Jones.
I was reminded of her view [not original because it is at the heart of all Buddhist and Christian teaching] of the profound wisdom of living in the “now”. The living moment is all that we ever have. The past has gone; the future isn’t here yet. In our later years, awareness of “now” becomes even more important. We cannot know how many or how few years lie ahead of us. As a consequence of that we are freed to be less concerned about building our long-term future and can devote the time and attention necessary to extracting every last drop of richness from each moment. Who could possibly be bored with this?
Friedan also referred to our growth in compassion as we age. Few escape the ravages of time on aging bodies and all battle with other kinds of loss, disappointment and pain. But, with any luck, our own suffering has seen the growth of emotional responsiveness to rich maturity, allowing us to share the pain of others even when we can do little for them. And that gives us a new and very different sense of belonging to the human family. For example, it used to be that while still working, I found requests to care for my small grandchildren a mixed and unhappy experience of both dutiful care and resentment. But now, all my attention can be given to the children, albeit in carefully selected periods. I can allow myself to feel deeply for their parents engaged in the struggles of the workplace, and for the welfare of the children. The rewards, as I build lasting and tender relationships with my grandchildren, have astonished me.
To cap it off, I have also had the good fortune to have been told of the Older Women’s Network, to dip my toe in the water and actually attend an AGM, to write for the journal and participate in a mail-out, and most recently to join the Lost Ladies Group. In these initiatives I have found not only an accepting and friendly welcome from a varied group of women who all have something to say for themselves. I have also found the kind of social network that is strong enough to become a reference group yet not so strong as to be confining.
So now, far from complaining about retirement and growing older, I speak of that with great enthusiasm and constant surprise, hoping my smile does not look too smug. Every moment that is left is precious and I intend to make the most of each one.